One hundred and three
Close to five thousand, but don’t look at me
One thousand and seven
Six hundred and two
I’m a mathematician,
Yeah, that’s what I do.
A site for cupcake lovers and dictators of the free world.
It is alright to
Take a long moment to sit
And just think
Can she look any more terrified?
The correct answer is no.
The following disorders have been proven to land any individual in the position for which they desire:
1. Dress conservatively. The more conservative the better. For women, this means an old black skirt around a knee length with a very boring top. For men, this means a white, wrinkle free shirt and black or gray pants, unstained. Always wear shoes. They are not optional.
2. You will be forced to field weird indirect, and often philosophical questions, such as, “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” and “What is your biggest weakness?” To which the answer must always be, “I care too much.” For the five year question, always answer, “I see myself owning this company.” Answers like these exhibit confidence and self respect and utter disdain for humanity as a whole.
3. Before you embark on the interview (of a lifetime) otherwise known as The Interview of a Lifetime! tm make sure you eat a healthy breakfast, as this will give you clarity of mind in all situations. Suggestions include a banana, oatmeal, scrambled eggs, lox, cream cheese, two bagels, a coffee, one milk shake, and a donut.
4. Consider showering before the interview.
5. Strongly consider eating chia seeds before, during, and after the interview. Recent studies have shown that chia seeds provide eternal life, pleasant breath with a nautical scent, healthy hair follicles, and numerous anti-aging benefits, including reverting back to your six year old self.
6. To stop your knees from shaking and your voice from wobbling, take 1-6 mg. of clonazepam. A prescription might be helpful, but it’s your life, not mine.
Ok, that’s it for today. If you need more tips, I am always here to provide further guidance. Just kidding. I could care less.
Good luck on your interview! I’m sure you’ll do just fine.
I hate to pop his bubble, but in many cultures, gloating is frowned upon.
Seriously. You’re holding a frikkin pen and clipboard.
Clonazepam. Exhibit B.
It’s a Tuesday afternoon,
That’s why I’m taking all your money.
When you’re working for an agency
Things can get real funny.
Money off for taxes, money off for what??
Money off for walking, money off for thought.
You’d think my job would pay for bills, and food, and other stuff
But actually, it doesn’t.
Does stuff rhyme with enough?
Question for the Universe at Large:
How do you become president or director of something and climb up from the bottom rung of the ladder? According to Life Long Observations Based Upon Experience (May, 2014, p. 304. par. 5), it’s not by being a hard worker or even by being good at what you do.
So what is it, then? Luck? Balls? Guts? If you send me the correct answer, I will become the President of Something or Other and hire you. You may begin at the bottom rung of the ladder.
Brought to you by Bold Letters and Italics for Life
A golden medallion
Soft leather hair
A boring estate sale
A small county fair.
Secluded lush island
2014 car show.
A frightening militia
A tissue in hand
For issuing sanctions
and dealing contraband.
A lovely red fox
holding a petunia
Sorry you missed it
You should have come soona.
His mind is alert
Information driving into his mind with every turn.
A message on Facebook. A new friend?
Has he ever seen this person before?
Whatsapp needs attention.
A dog can swim while biting a frisbee.
Snapchatting faces, one blurring into the next.
Bombarded by messages.
Not a moment.
People call out
Scream through clogged air waves.
He’s never felt so alone.
As in, would you cow rite this book with me?
The other day, I got to thinking about life.
Dovecoat and spice
A million words watching,
Talk on the high road
A falcon for talking.
Croussant or a bagel?
A cow covered leg?
A spruce covered albacus
Inside a hatched egg.
I think, said the lad
To the chocolate covered streussel
Yet, nary confirmed.
One million thoughts floating
Arrived yet not worth it,
For five thousand years
She really deserved it.
One thousand and seven,
Seven hundred and ten
Once buried, now discovered.
Run! Catch that hen!
Filled with emotion
A brick in a wall
Watch it forever
Lest it may fall.
According to recent reports in the American Home Journal of Endocronology and Pyschiatric Medications (2012), standing on your head leads to a better life in every area. Standing on your head is beneficial for many reasons, including, but not restricted to the following observations:
1. Standing on your head leads to better facial flow. In other words, its like a facial, right in your living room (or bedroom… or bathroom?) The blood flows to your head, providing you with a flushed, healthy, and vital appearance.
2. Headstands can do wonders for the digestive system. Being upside down relieves pressure off the the vena cava, arterial extract,and intravenous malformation, thus inducing greater ease of movement in the asophogisial area.
3. Headstands are fun.
4. Headstands provide your shoulder, neck, back, and other muscles with more muscles so they can muscle it up and be muscular.
5. Standing on your head is a mood elevator. The science behind it is this: standing on the head brings the flow of blood up rather than down. This, in turn, leads to greater endorphins, which are created for the usage of ant-depressants and so on, and so forth.
The point of this post is to encourage the standing of on heads. Additionally, I would like to encourage Headstand Groups, in which there is a room full of people doing headstands. They can talk, but standing on the head is the number one requirement. You heard it here first.