Chocolate Molten Cake

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Chocolate Molten cake is an intense dessert.  Chocolate and cakey on the outside, hot, smooth and even more chocolatey on the inside.  You can buy it at a restaurant or make your own.  The ingredients are basic: butter, chocolate, sugar, eggs, and drop of flour.  Find the appropriate recipe online, bake for 12 minutes.  The outsides will be baked but the insides should remain a bit raw and a lot delicious.

Who created this decadent dish?  Which living creature had the imagination to whip up this food of delight?  This, my friend, is the heart of the saga.

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It all started with Jean-Georges Vongerichten, a U.S based chef and author of five cookbooks.  He claims that he created this cake by accident (duh), in New York City in 1987.  He allegedly undercooked a batch of little chocolate cakes and lo and behold, the mouth-watering chocolate molten cake was born.

Others protest.  “No!” They yell out loud – some louder than others, “The French have been baking this dessert for centuries! Since the days of Charlemagne!  Stop stealing our French thunder you American ignoramuses!”

Amongst the protestors is Chef Jacques Torres, otherwise known as “Mr. Chocolate.”

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Torres, Dean of the Pastry Arts at the International Culinary Center, has protested loudly enough to garner much media attention.  And for this, he shall be praised.

Like you, I am at my wits end, trying to decide with whom to claim complete allegiance.  As can be observed by the casual looker-on, both men enjoy crossing their arms.  The crossing of arms is an international symbol for creating subconscious defensive barriers. Both men have something to hide.

Who do you think really created this great food?  Was it Vongerichten or Mr. Chocolate?

This predicament has had Americans scratching their heads for decades, yet the rift does not seem to be mending itself in the near future.

Advantages vs. Disadvantages

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It is an advantage to play a musical instrument

It is a disadvantage to use musical instruments as weapons.

It is an advantage when the sun shines and it is 63 degrees outside.

It is a disadvantage when you are forced to sew an extra large pocket made especially for holding a tissue box.

It is an advantage to get outside and walk.

It is a disadvantage to… no, there is no disadvantage to that.  UNLESS you get hit by a car and run over by a truck, or it suddenly starts to snow and sleet and your just wearing flip-flops and carrying an extra large slurpee.

It is an advantage to work.

It is a disadvantage to work.

It is an advantage to have friends to talk to.

It is a disadvantage to talk so much that you ruin your lungs.

Yes, life is full of advantages and disadvantages.  This fact is clear to all.

 

Deli Rolls Are Rolly

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Deli roll.  The perfect mix of turkey, corned beef, and pastrami rolled in flaky dough.  Is there anything better?  Is there?  

Yeah, I thought so.

An additional benefit of deli roll, besides for the obvious which is that it tastes fantastic and you can never eat enough, is that it is really easy to make.

Here’s How:

Spread mustard over a long phyllo dough sheet, then layer on the above mentioned meats.  Use 1/3 of a pound of each type of meat.  Roll the  sheet of dough. Glaze the roll with egg, sprinkle with sesame seeds, and bake at 350 for 45 minutes.  That’s it!

Additional Benefit of Deli Roll:

You are covered for protein if you eat this.  According to my own unique random secret guesstimate measurement method, one slice of this baby gives you 22 grams of protein.  That’s like 1/4 inch of added muscle.  Maybe.

Token Deli Roll Poem:

The deli doesn’t sell it

You need to make it by yourself

Or have your mother do it

Or just use an elf.

Deli rolls are rolly

You can roll them in the sand

Though this is not recommended

In France this practice has been banned.

One important factoid

about the deli roll is this:

It was created by Mark Sanwantin

And inspired by a kiss.

Add Protein to Your Diet The Economical Way

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We all want bigger muscles.  Yes, we ALL do.  Why?

1. As we age, muscle retention naturally decreases until the human form is but a pile of skin and brittle bone.  Action must be taken to deter this breakdown.

2. To lift things.  Yes.

3. To be able to walk if the car is broken or the subway is held up.

4. To show off.

Ask The Person a.k.a Question and Answer Section:

Q. Besides lifting weights, what else should one do to gain muscle?

A. Eat lots of protein.

Q. How much protein should I eat?

A. An active 154 pound male should eat 112 grams while an active 125 pound woman should eat 91 grams daily.  (Active means you do exercise.  If you don’t, eat less.  How much less?  Ask someone else.  I don’t know.)

Q. How can I eat that much protein?  That sounds like a lot.

A. Very good. It is.  Here are some suggestions:

1. Raise your own cows.  This is an ecological and cost effective means of drinking too much milk.  When the cows breed, you can eat their offspring.  This sounds sad, yet no one said economy was easy.

2. Raise your own chickens.  This way, you have a daily supply of fresh eggs.  Eat around nine daily, minimum.  You can eat the chickens’ offspring as well, you monster.

3. Make your own hot dogs.  Do this by sweeping up all your animals’ fats and tissues and grinding them in a blender.  Shape them into rods. Broil on grill.

4. Make your own cottage cheese.  Cottage cheese is good for protein because one cup of cottage cheese contains 30 grams of protein.  I think you make it by leaving your milk out for a few weeks.  Totally worth the muscle mass.

5. Ok, raise turkeys.  And fish.

Yes, friend, those are some ideas of how to obtain the appropriate amount of daily protein.

Disclaimer:

Ask your health practitioner before beginning this diet.  It could give you big muscles providing you lift in addition to eat, but there is always the chance that it could kill you, as well.   Never say never.

Best of luck!

A Happy Story About Ice Cream

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Ok, my last post was very sad, coming after an unfortunate spat between two humans.  Today, we will positively counteract the negative vibrations in the world with a fictional happy story and a recipe.  This is not to say that all happiness, is in fact fiction.

Once, there was a girl named Darliasus.  Darliasus loved to watch birds fly while eating ice cream.  Her favorite ice cream was a razzle.  Do you know what that is?

Razzle Recipe:

1 tub of vanilla ice cream

Add 1/3 cup of each of the following:

crushed peanuts

rice crispies

crushed sandwich cookies

caramel

Liberal amount of chocolate syrup


 

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Continuation of Story:

Darliasus sat on the uppermost limb of a tree as she watched birds fly and listened to them sing.  How did she climb so high while holding a giant razzle in her right hand?  Very good question. Darliasus was an advanced climber.  She could climb using just the strength of her left hand.  To her, it was unthinkable to bird watch without ice cream. Perched in the tree, eating ice cream with her right hand and holding binoculars with her left, she noticed a most beautiful bird.  The bird had a cobalt blue head and wings, and sported an orange and white belly (see above image). Darliasus’s heart fluttered.  She wanted to watch that bird every day of her life.

Alas, it began to rain.  Lightening struck, thunder growled. The bird, who had been chirping just seconds before, suddenly went silent and fell to the ground with a thud.  Quick as a headless chicken, Darliasus scrambled from her perch.  Her feet touched the ground and she rushed to find the bird.  Yes, dear reader, the bird was found buried beneath a mulberry bush.  Cradling the bird in her empty ice cream bowl, Darliasus rushed home, tearing across fields of white cotton.

Darliasus tenderly named the bird Rain, for the pair had met just before the rain began to fall.  After close inspection, Darliasus found that Rain’s left wing was broken.  Darliasus was no veterinarian, nor did she ever harbor dreams of becoming one.  Yet, she consulted Google, who instructed her to fix the wing by wrapping it in sticky gauze.  Darliasus set the wing and fed the bird daily.  When the wing was strong, Daliasus lovingly removed the gauze.  Rain flew into the wild with nary a glimpse back, leaving Darliasus behind to wonder about Rain and dream that one day they would meet again.

Thirty two years later:

The two never did meet again.

 

How To Fight Like A Girl

When you get upset

and feel really mean

because you’ve just been embarrassed

but don’t want to scream,

You want to seem polite

It’s frowned upon to wring her neck

Here are some ideas

To keep you in check:

1. Just roll your eyes

2. Tell her lies

3. Step on her toe

4. Cover her bed with dough

5. Ignore her till she’s green

6. Fill her purse with caseine

7. Send her a nasty text

8. Only one word rhymes with text

Yup, those are some ideas of how to be socially appropriately mean at the moment.

Foods That Fly

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-bananas

-popcorn

-hotdogs

-snakes

-watermelons

-radishes

-cauliflower

-snakes

-cream pie

-roasted peanuts

-ice tea

-pineapples

A Voice For the Weak

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A voice for the weak

Those who cannot speak

A voice for the tired

for those highly wired

A voice for the man whose bread is but lost

A voice for the girl who has beauty at a cost

A voice for the weak

For the old and disgruntled

A voice for the drunk – 

His thoughts are quite jumbled.

A voice, yes a voice

A voice can be heard

A voice can fly high

in the sky. Like… a bird?

A voice is the reason

The reason for living

A voice is a wonder

in the Season of Giving.

Lend me your voice,

Never mind, I have my own.

A voice for the girl

Who is blind to her tone.

General Unfoodly Limerickization. Forgiveness Optional?

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There once was a man from St. Murtle

Who decided to purchase a girdle.

It fit him quite well,

Some said it was swell.

For now he looks much like a turtle.

 

 

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There was an old woman named Shiri

Who liked to eat pie with her kiwi

Her daughters said “Gross!”

They had a doctor diagnose

Now she eats pie with zucchini.

 

 

 

 by Scot Frei

Old McDumphrey sat readin’

His wife continued her beadin’

Their children climbed trees

got stung by bumblebees

Now the trial of their parents is proceedin’.

 

 

 

 

 

Haiku Sunday

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I know, it isn’t Sunday yet, but it will be.  I promise.

 

Marble cake today

Like a chocolate waterfall

Five seconds, finished.

 

Dear reader, please add your food haiku in the comments.  You know you want to.