Prepare for Your Job Interview in Six Difficult Ways

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Can she look any more terrified?

a) No.

The correct answer is no.

The following disorders have been proven to land any individual in the position for which they desire:

1. Dress conservatively.  The more conservative the better.  For women, this means an old black skirt around a knee length with a very boring top.  For men, this means a white, wrinkle free shirt and black or gray pants, unstained. Always wear shoes.  They are not optional.

2. You will be forced to field weird indirect, and often philosophical questions, such as, “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” and “What is your biggest weakness?”  To which the answer must always be, “I care too much.”  For the five year question, always answer, “I see myself owning this company.”  Answers like these exhibit confidence and self respect and utter disdain for humanity as a whole.

3. Before you embark on the interview (of a lifetime) otherwise known as The Interview of a Lifetime! tm make sure you eat a healthy breakfast, as this will give you clarity of mind in all situations.  Suggestions include a banana, oatmeal, scrambled eggs, lox, cream cheese, two bagels, a coffee, one milk shake, and a donut.

4. Consider showering before the interview.

5. Strongly consider eating chia seeds before, during, and after the interview.  Recent studies have shown that chia seeds provide eternal life, pleasant breath with a nautical scent, healthy hair follicles, and numerous anti-aging benefits, including reverting back to your six year old self.

6. To stop your knees from shaking and your voice from wobbling, take 1-6 mg. of clonazepam.  A prescription might be helpful, but it’s your life, not mine.

Ok, that’s it for today. If you need more tips, I am always here to provide further guidance.  Just kidding.  I could care less.

Good luck on your interview! I’m sure you’ll do just fine.

interview-success

I hate to pop his bubble, but in many cultures, gloating is frowned upon.

Job interview recruitment

Seriously.  You’re holding a frikkin pen and clipboard. 

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Clonazepam.  Exhibit B.

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Benefits of Standing on your Head

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According to recent reports in the American Home Journal of Endocronology and Pyschiatric Medications (2012), standing on your head leads to a better life in every area.  Standing on your head is beneficial for many reasons, including, but not restricted to the following observations:

1. Standing on your head leads to better facial flow.  In other words, its like a facial, right in your living room (or bedroom… or bathroom?) The blood flows to your head, providing you with a flushed, healthy, and vital appearance.

2. Headstands can do wonders for the digestive system.  Being upside down relieves pressure off the the vena cava, arterial extract,and intravenous malformation, thus inducing greater ease of movement in the asophogisial area.

3. Headstands are fun.

4. Headstands provide your shoulder, neck, back, and other muscles with more muscles so they can muscle it up and be muscular.

5. Standing on your head is a mood elevator.  The science behind it is this:  standing on the head brings the flow of blood up rather than down.  This, in turn, leads to greater endorphins, which are created for the usage of ant-depressants and so on, and so forth.

The point of this post is to encourage the standing of on heads.  Additionally, I would like to encourage Headstand Groups, in which there is a room full of people doing headstands.  They can talk, but standing on the head is the number one requirement.  You heard it here first.