Prepare for Your Job Interview in Six Difficult Ways

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Can she look any more terrified?

a) No.

The correct answer is no.

The following disorders have been proven to land any individual in the position for which they desire:

1. Dress conservatively.  The more conservative the better.  For women, this means an old black skirt around a knee length with a very boring top.  For men, this means a white, wrinkle free shirt and black or gray pants, unstained. Always wear shoes.  They are not optional.

2. You will be forced to field weird indirect, and often philosophical questions, such as, “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” and “What is your biggest weakness?”  To which the answer must always be, “I care too much.”  For the five year question, always answer, “I see myself owning this company.”  Answers like these exhibit confidence and self respect and utter disdain for humanity as a whole.

3. Before you embark on the interview (of a lifetime) otherwise known as The Interview of a Lifetime! tm make sure you eat a healthy breakfast, as this will give you clarity of mind in all situations.  Suggestions include a banana, oatmeal, scrambled eggs, lox, cream cheese, two bagels, a coffee, one milk shake, and a donut.

4. Consider showering before the interview.

5. Strongly consider eating chia seeds before, during, and after the interview.  Recent studies have shown that chia seeds provide eternal life, pleasant breath with a nautical scent, healthy hair follicles, and numerous anti-aging benefits, including reverting back to your six year old self.

6. To stop your knees from shaking and your voice from wobbling, take 1-6 mg. of clonazepam.  A prescription might be helpful, but it’s your life, not mine.

Ok, that’s it for today. If you need more tips, I am always here to provide further guidance.  Just kidding.  I could care less.

Good luck on your interview! I’m sure you’ll do just fine.

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I hate to pop his bubble, but in many cultures, gloating is frowned upon.

Job interview recruitment

Seriously.  You’re holding a frikkin pen and clipboard. 

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Clonazepam.  Exhibit B.

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Seriously, Get A New Job and Don’t Expect Good Rhyming And And And

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It’s a Tuesday afternoon,

That’s why I’m taking all your money.

When you’re working for an agency

Things can get real funny.

Money off for taxes, money off for what??

Money off for walking, money off for thought.

You’d think my job would pay for bills, and food, and other stuff

But actually, it doesn’t.

Does stuff rhyme with enough?

Part II

Question for the Universe at Large:  

How do you become president or director of something and climb up from the bottom rung of the ladder?  According to Life Long Observations Based Upon Experience (May, 2014, p. 304. par. 5), it’s not by being a hard worker or even by being good at what you do.

So what is it, then? Luck?  Balls?  Guts?   If you send me the correct answer, I will become the President of Something or Other and hire you.  You may begin at the bottom rung of the ladder.

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