How Napoleon Conquered the World

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Napoleon was born in Corsica, France, in the year 1769.  Like most children, Napoleon’s favorite childhood games included “kill,” “conquer,” and “rule.”  When Napoleon was old enough to conquer the world, he took risks, made smart choices, and ate lots of creamy desserts until he realized his childhood dream.  His dream did not include life in exile, yet alas, he was forced to spend his dying days in the terrible weather conditions of England. On May 5, 1821, Napoleon was poisoned by arsenic and did not survive its effects (which included hair loss, stomach pains, and a coma).

The death of Napoleon was a sad day for the French.  To keep his memory forever alive, French patisserie owners gathered to create a dessert which resembled him.  The Napoleon, or Mille-feuille, is a dessert with three layers of puff pastry and two layers of pastry cream, topped with chocolate and vanilla icing.

On May 5th, French men and women, young and old, raise a mille-feuille into the air, yelling, “Napoleon Toujours!” Which, roughly translated, means “Napoleon Forever!” Americans have the tradition of eating Napoleons with coffee and doughnuts to symbolize their eternal yearning for a day when there will be peace, harmony, and a never ending supply of diet Coke.

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The Eighteen Advantages of Chocolate

The Eighteen Advantages of Chocolate

Since the beginning of time immemorial, chocolate has been used to save lives. In addition to the obvious attributes, such as being rich, velvety in texture, versatile, and attractive to the eye, chocolate has also been proven to restore heart health, decrease the pains of child-bearing, and elevate the spirits of those who desire chocolate.

Chocolate has been called “the elixir of life,” “the ultimate jubilation of the North East,” and “the forbidden fruit which is derivative of a bean.” Chocolate was first discovered when the Aztecs realized that it was the perfect sacrifice. I completely agree with them. Chocolate is a double-agent in that it is a delight on the tongue and not human. It thus became fashionable to sacrifice plants rather than humans, thereby increasing the human population.

As the population grew, Aztecs became irate as they realized that there was no longer enough food. Many of their brethren and sisteren began dying of hunger. This created a new trend. The trend of ingesting chocolate. The elders of the community were incensed when the youth began eating this sacrifice which was held in esteem as a gift to the gods. This dilemma led to the fashionable killing of the youthful heretics, thus lowering the population rate, yet again. The cycle of life is exemplified by the above parable.

Chocolate is a marvelous teaching agent which can be used as an incentive for children and adults. Chocolate has been used as a bleaching agent and as a solvent for cleaning windows. However, research regarding this is inconclusive. There is a positive correlation between eating chocolate and longevity, as mentioned in The Annals of Medicinal Chocolate and Treats (2010).

Directions for contest:

Buy the best milk chocolate you can afford. Send to me, Monteith Slythersluth. The winner will be awarded a polite thank you.

Top Ten Reasons Americans are Addicted to Cheesecake

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For centuries, philosophers and mathematicians have pondered the meaning of life.  Why do humans have ability to speak?  Are we not unworthy of this great power? Are dogs capable of acing English 101, yet refrain from doing so out of intense fair of public praise?  This culminates into a refrain sung by heroes of old.  And so I ask of you, dear reader, why didn’t you bake me a cheesecake yesterday?

Cheesecake has hounded the American psyche for centuries.  A mixture of sugar, cream cheese, and graham cracker crust, the combination has enforced a new standard in society. From the time Aristotle emitted his first babble of wisdom, the ancient Greeks have known that the key to a good friend is synonymous with perfect, mouth watering cheese cake.

Let us ponder no longer, fellow humans of the free world.  Let us (and by us, I mean you) create the essential, decadent cheese cake to share with someone special (ahem).

Fear not, humanity, merely store ingredients such as the following in your cupboard, fridge, or car trunk at all times until the day you breathe your last:

Cream cheese

sugar

vanilla extract

eggs

sour cream

graham crackers or graham cracker crust

margarine or butter.

There is an endless array with which to combine the above ingredients. Wishing you luck in winning the cheesecake contest of the century.

Yours Truly,

Monteith Slythersuth

A Perspective on Sandwiches

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A conciliatory reaction to the epistemological perspective of failures in society is naturally to turn to the one essential item which is unequivocal, yet utterly transcendent in time, place, and space.  The sandwich.  Sandwiches bloom and blossom in the one part of society that has been untouched by atmospheric and barometric pressure.  Sandwiches will live on in our hearts because they retain their innocence, their youth, yes, their very essence, in a world which has been largely displaced by gubernatorial restraints.

How to make a sandwich for me, Monteith:

1. Use a sharp knife.  Sharpen you knife.  It is not sharp enough.

2. Cut a slice of bread.  Paleo dieters of the world, you are immediately disqualified and will receive a reactionary notice

3. Peruse a filling, as found in the abundance of butters and jams found in the aisle of consumer paradises, otherwise known as grocery stores

4. Peruse a can of tuna, a slice of meat, a slap of peanut butter, or another spread with a protein-like quality

5. Cut some more bread

6. Place bread above and below the filling.  Dexterity is a gift and should be revered as such

7. Your imagination will lead you to the ultimate in sandwich design if you allow it.  Meditation is an option, but not recommended for those who suffer slight panic attacks or regularly ingest Cohminidious Posious

8. Send to me, Monteith.

Important: Sandwiches have persisted and will persist for time, hereafter.

Au Revoir Sandwich Eternals of the Netherworld!

Why Cupcakes? and Other Irrelevant Topics

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After a harrowing experience at grand central station, I came to the ultimate conclusion that I need more food.  And who can make it for me, you ask in all innocence?  A spectacular stander-by.  And by that, I mean you.  Yes, you.  The one with the two hands, two eyes, and one nose.  Why you have only one nose is not a pertinent question and is irrelevant to the thesis of this blog, which is cupcakes.

Permit me to emphasize the likeness of cupcakes to happiness.  “The grandeur of ultimate salvation will come with a large cupcake,” as was expounded upon by the great cupcake baker, Plato.  Plato understood that the perfect mixture of flour, milk, eggs, and sugar was the answer to all ills.  All evils banish in the light of a perfect cupcake.

Monteith’s recipe for the perfect cupcake (for you to make for me, Monteith):

1. Get a recipe book

2. Realize that recipe books have but two cupcake recipes, throw recipe book in trash as recipe books are wasteful

3. Google “delicious cupcake recipe”

4. Follow the directions

5. Go to store if your missing ingredients, i.e. sugar

6. Place cupcakes in box and address to me, Monteith

Important:    The winner of this contest will have the knowledge that they have won my, Monteith’s, cupcake contest

Reminder:    Have cupcakes at the ready at all times

Adios my cupcake lovers of the millenium!

And remember, a cupcake in the mouth, a hurricane down South.