Prepare for Your Job Interview in Six Difficult Ways

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Can she look any more terrified?

a) No.

The correct answer is no.

The following disorders have been proven to land any individual in the position for which they desire:

1. Dress conservatively.  The more conservative the better.  For women, this means an old black skirt around a knee length with a very boring top.  For men, this means a white, wrinkle free shirt and black or gray pants, unstained. Always wear shoes.  They are not optional.

2. You will be forced to field weird indirect, and often philosophical questions, such as, “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” and “What is your biggest weakness?”  To which the answer must always be, “I care too much.”  For the five year question, always answer, “I see myself owning this company.”  Answers like these exhibit confidence and self respect and utter disdain for humanity as a whole.

3. Before you embark on the interview (of a lifetime) otherwise known as The Interview of a Lifetime! tm make sure you eat a healthy breakfast, as this will give you clarity of mind in all situations.  Suggestions include a banana, oatmeal, scrambled eggs, lox, cream cheese, two bagels, a coffee, one milk shake, and a donut.

4. Consider showering before the interview.

5. Strongly consider eating chia seeds before, during, and after the interview.  Recent studies have shown that chia seeds provide eternal life, pleasant breath with a nautical scent, healthy hair follicles, and numerous anti-aging benefits, including reverting back to your six year old self.

6. To stop your knees from shaking and your voice from wobbling, take 1-6 mg. of clonazepam.  A prescription might be helpful, but it’s your life, not mine.

Ok, that’s it for today. If you need more tips, I am always here to provide further guidance.  Just kidding.  I could care less.

Good luck on your interview! I’m sure you’ll do just fine.

interview-success

I hate to pop his bubble, but in many cultures, gloating is frowned upon.

Job interview recruitment

Seriously.  You’re holding a frikkin pen and clipboard. 

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Clonazepam.  Exhibit B.

Foods That Fly

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-bananas

-popcorn

-hotdogs

-snakes

-watermelons

-radishes

-cauliflower

-snakes

-cream pie

-roasted peanuts

-ice tea

-pineapples

Tools For Dealing With Depression: Brought on by Anything Whatsoever

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There are many reasons people get sad, but depression is different than sadness.  Depression drags you down. It is a mixture of neurons in your head which cause you to feel like you can’t leave your house, like you can’t do anything right.  You become tired and lethargic and can’t get yourself to complete the most basic task.  You feel utterly alone, like the world is caving in on you. Sometimes, its hard to breath.  Depression stinks and the only way to get rid of it is to kick its a@$#.

Here are some ideas to get rid of depression naturally without medication, which always have side effects such as sudden death, suicide, loss of hearing, urinary incontinence, impotence, and migraine:

1. Get a lot of sunshine.  Open all your windows. Go outside when its sunny even though it might take all of your strength.

2. Do exercise.  Really hard exercise that nearly kills you is best because it provides natural endorphins. You’ll feel good after.  You can do easy exercise too, I guess.

3. Bug your friends.  Hang out with them and laugh.  Make fun of your shoes, or whatever it is you do with your friends.  Laughing at shoes is the number one activity, though.

4.  Eat healthy.  Ok, whatever, you should, I guess.

5. Smile at people.  Even snobby people who never will smile back.  Look specifically for people who you know will not say hi, but will look at you, shocked.  Its an amusing experience which every human should have no later than the age of seven.

6. Read a really sad book where everyone is dying.  It’ll make you feel better about your life.  Your father isn’t an alien created by the Vulgarians to destroy all of humanity. Take that Urelca Spidronte.

7. Exhibit signs of neurosis.  As you walk alone, pretend that you are walking your three dogs as you chat with your best friend, Kyle.  Studies have proven that this is an effective means of producing pheromones.

8. Buy a cat?  I wouldn’t. They mess up your furniture and you have to clean their litter.  And they don’t look at you.  Buy a goldfish… never mind.  Buy a picture of a cat or a dog.