Prepare for Your Job Interview in Six Difficult Ways

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Can she look any more terrified?

a) No.

The correct answer is no.

The following disorders have been proven to land any individual in the position for which they desire:

1. Dress conservatively.  The more conservative the better.  For women, this means an old black skirt around a knee length with a very boring top.  For men, this means a white, wrinkle free shirt and black or gray pants, unstained. Always wear shoes.  They are not optional.

2. You will be forced to field weird indirect, and often philosophical questions, such as, “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” and “What is your biggest weakness?”  To which the answer must always be, “I care too much.”  For the five year question, always answer, “I see myself owning this company.”  Answers like these exhibit confidence and self respect and utter disdain for humanity as a whole.

3. Before you embark on the interview (of a lifetime) otherwise known as The Interview of a Lifetime! tm make sure you eat a healthy breakfast, as this will give you clarity of mind in all situations.  Suggestions include a banana, oatmeal, scrambled eggs, lox, cream cheese, two bagels, a coffee, one milk shake, and a donut.

4. Consider showering before the interview.

5. Strongly consider eating chia seeds before, during, and after the interview.  Recent studies have shown that chia seeds provide eternal life, pleasant breath with a nautical scent, healthy hair follicles, and numerous anti-aging benefits, including reverting back to your six year old self.

6. To stop your knees from shaking and your voice from wobbling, take 1-6 mg. of clonazepam.  A prescription might be helpful, but it’s your life, not mine.

Ok, that’s it for today. If you need more tips, I am always here to provide further guidance.  Just kidding.  I could care less.

Good luck on your interview! I’m sure you’ll do just fine.

interview-success

I hate to pop his bubble, but in many cultures, gloating is frowned upon.

Job interview recruitment

Seriously.  You’re holding a frikkin pen and clipboard. 

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Clonazepam.  Exhibit B.

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About Miranda S. Wrightz

I breath one breath at a time, like a normal mermaid.

2 responses to “Prepare for Your Job Interview in Six Difficult Ways

  1. Monty, I find multiple truths interspersed in the obvious flaw this is based upon
    a) Yes. If she were being chased by a monkey wrench wielding baboon.
    She would look more terrified that way. Do you never wait for the class to answer?
    3. One who does not partake in the tradition of eating of the most cleansing and heart calming foods known to mankind prior to a meet and greet is doomed to failure or CVS. Recipe for success- two tums, one large onion bagel with tuna, garlic knots, a glass of milk, and cholent. As stated in Parshas Re’ei, “the liquid of a cow, with the meat of a cow, one shall feast upon only at the time of ones choice. Any other- death by stoning.”

    • Death through stoning is my philosophy on life.
      Regarding your previous inquiry, there was only one choice. That choice, my friend, was no. Monkey wrench wielding baboons can be handled easily with a slingshot, some pepper spray, and a handy, child sized hatchet. This goes without saying, and I repeat myself solely for the sake of clarity.

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