Eat Your Way Towards a Better Body

 

chocolate

Considering my vast experience in the food world, (I’ve been eating since the day I was born), random strangers often request advice on how to attain a slender and extraordinarily strong physique.  This is a historical fact.

Out of pure generosity of spirit, I share with you, dear reader, the secrets of the universe:

1. Eat chocolate every day.  Be flexible with your chocolate.  Chocolate chips for when you’re feeling conservative, chocolate croissant for when you’re feeling French, chocolate babka for when you feel slightly Russian, chocolate cocoa for when you’re frost-bound, chocolate milk when you feel tropical.

2. Eat chocolate cookies at least every other day.  This will help you take your mind off of them.

3. If there is a day in which you forgot your chocolate, you can have either baking chocolate or chocolate pills.  Seriously, those were created for heart health (Reuters, March, 2014).

4. Lift heavy weights. Small to medium sized children will do.  When lifting for mass, lift child for 3 sets of 8-12 reps with ten second breaks.   Overhead lifts, deadlifts, curls, chest presses, children will do it all.  They do tend to cooperate better when given chocolate as they are lifted.

Chocolate is not only a tasty treat, it is a lifestyle and one of our basic rights as humans.

Do you have a chocolate story?  Has chocolate ever saved your life?

 

 

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About Miranda S. Wrightz

I breath one breath at a time, like a normal mermaid.

8 responses to “Eat Your Way Towards a Better Body

  1. Germaine

    I find that the most useful way to both enjoy the splendor of the taste of chocolate and it’s effect on the body and spirit is to smear it on oneself whilst bathing in its glory.
    Tambourines unite to promote lactation

  2. Yes, but has chocolate ever saved your life?

  3. Victor Chocolatinsky

    It was a cold stormy night late in December. I was stranded on a deserted highway. There was no one in sight. My car ,which wasn’t even mine, had broken down. I think it was the alternator or maybe the starter or the emergency brakes or the muffler. That’s not the point. So here i am wandering with nary a cell phone with battery life in sight and lo up on the hill i see a silhouette. I got relatively excited as i began running towards it. I was saved. Or so I thought. It was a dead owl propped up on a stick to scare off hyenas. Forlorn I continued on. In my haste I left everything I had in my ” not my car.” As i trudged along for what must have been hours I almost gave up hope. At that moment for reasons unknown I decided to reach my hand into the secret compartment hidden in my shoe. There i found my salvation. For with the succulent goodness of xocolatl one can achieve anything. With renewed vigor i skipped along until i reached a petroleum refueling station, and there for just a smidgen of my precious chocolate the kind man behind the counter allowed me to use his phone. So i called my mother who phoned my father who came to pick me up. He was a bit upset that i didn’t just walk the seven blocks home, but what could i do. That had to be the toughest fifteen minutes of my life. Now that is how chocolate saved my life. Thank you so much for bringing up this important topic and allowing me to share my tale of chocolaty salvation.
    P.S. I changed my name because my life was changed.

    • Victor, your tale is at once 3 ounces joy and 2 ounces pain. The pain cometh with the thought of not knowing where to find chocolate. The joy is unparalleled to the strenuous hardships you have endured while being separated from chocolate for so long. May you always find peace within your chocolate. Thank you for sharing this touching story of grace and bravery amidst the face of infernal hell.

  4. Anonymous

    I have not a tale to rival Sir Victor’s, but my intense lust for chocolate prompts me to re-comment. I love eat live breathe drink sleep pee wait what chocolate. Peace unto all, predominately those like-minded to myself. All opposers- die.

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