A long time ago, there was a young lad, named Thomas Lanstrone, who lived in the Southern tip of Czechoslovakia. Thomas, known to his family and friends as Mas, dreamed of owning his own restaurant. However, Mas was clumsy in the kitchen and his cakes made people choke and cry out for water. In the very same town in Czechoslovakia, there lived young boy named Berel Lastovski. Because Lastovski cracked ice for a living, he was often sick with pneumonia.
During this period, the Polish and Czech fought over the rights to control the territory of Cieszyn Silesia. As the men of the town set out for war with their Polish neighbors, Mas and Lastovski remained behind, basking in the glow of the town fireplace. Mas stayed behind to protect the women of the village while Lastovski stayed behind because his pneumonia rendered him useless on the battlefield.
Due to his pneumonia, Lastovski had not eaten for two days. Mas, bored out of his mind, tried his hands at grilling a steak. As can be expected, he burned it. It was at this very moment that Lastovski regained his appetite. Tentatively, he took a bite out of the burned steak. His fever ran from 101 to 106 in under five minutes. Hot flashes ran up and down his spine. It seemed that death was on the horizon.
In a frantic effort to bring Lastovski back to life, Mas held a raw piece of steak over the fire for approximately 20 seconds and stuffed it down Lastovski’s throat. Lastovski’s hot flashes immediately lessened, and he eventually recovered.
Lastovski lived to the ripe old age of 27, when he was shot down by an Austrian sniper during the Peasant Uprising of 1775. Mas lived on to become the father of 10 children, the grandfather of 200 children, and the great-grandfather to over 700 adorable young tots. His tombstone reads: Here lies the father of many. His cooking was horrific, but his genes sure are terrific.
Lastovski died at a relatively young age, yet his life was an inspiration to doctors all over the world. His return to health upon tasting rare meat proved this famous theorem: “Rare meat has been proven to return blood flow to the arteries and may be used as an aid in human convalescence.”