The Eighteen Advantages of Chocolate

The Eighteen Advantages of Chocolate

Since the beginning of time immemorial, chocolate has been used to save lives. In addition to the obvious attributes, such as being rich, velvety in texture, versatile, and attractive to the eye, chocolate has also been proven to restore heart health, decrease the pains of child-bearing, and elevate the spirits of those who desire chocolate.

Chocolate has been called “the elixir of life,” “the ultimate jubilation of the North East,” and “the forbidden fruit which is derivative of a bean.” Chocolate was first discovered when the Aztecs realized that it was the perfect sacrifice. I completely agree with them. Chocolate is a double-agent in that it is a delight on the tongue and not human. It thus became fashionable to sacrifice plants rather than humans, thereby increasing the human population.

As the population grew, Aztecs became irate as they realized that there was no longer enough food. Many of their brethren and sisteren began dying of hunger. This created a new trend. The trend of ingesting chocolate. The elders of the community were incensed when the youth began eating this sacrifice which was held in esteem as a gift to the gods. This dilemma led to the fashionable killing of the youthful heretics, thus lowering the population rate, yet again. The cycle of life is exemplified by the above parable.

Chocolate is a marvelous teaching agent which can be used as an incentive for children and adults. Chocolate has been used as a bleaching agent and as a solvent for cleaning windows. However, research regarding this is inconclusive. There is a positive correlation between eating chocolate and longevity, as mentioned in The Annals of Medicinal Chocolate and Treats (2010).

Directions for contest:

Buy the best milk chocolate you can afford. Send to me, Monteith Slythersluth. The winner will be awarded a polite thank you.


About Miranda S. Wrightz

I breath one breath at a time, like a normal mermaid.

5 responses to “The Eighteen Advantages of Chocolate

  1. Now you know how I dislike to disagree with you but I could find not a single point upon which I didn’t fully and wholeheartedly agree. Except your ridiculous claim that chocolate can be ingested. You sound like a raving lunatic. Everyone and their deceased grandfathers grandfather knows chocolate is a drug, the sister of marijuana, similar and yet different to heroin only in scent, the cousin of chloroform and uncle to Titus king of the Greeks. Please do your research before posting such inanities.
    Always, Pleobellum Sinco

  2. Monteith

    Pleo, I take offense at your obvious disregard for the facts. Chocolate is not the cousin chloroform, it is rather the uncle and brother of formaldehyde. Your ill-gotten information contradicts the facts and smells of corruption and self-absorption.

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